What happens in Vegas gets put in my blog!

So I just got back today from Las Vegas with my love, Corey, and I have to say I had a great time. Not that it's surprising, but I did. And boy did we need to get away. We got some alone time, with each other and without. We got to drink and dance, and really let our proverbial hair down. I also got to meet a few of his high school friends, and I have to say, after almost 8 years of being together, I learned more about him and why he is the way he is. They are all that way, and I love each of them for being that way. But they are all that way. 

I got to meet all of these wonderful people because one of his dear friends got married this weekend. It was a beautiful wedding,and surprisingly enough, my first Jewish wedding - hey, they even served shrimp, which is not Kosher, during the cocktail hour. I got to experience the Hora, and loud Jewish women, it was perfect.

But my favorite moment of the weekend was when Corey and his friends discussing being in orchestra and band, and his friend, Janet, turned to me and asked me what instrument I played. Without missing a beat I turned to her and said, "Oh no! I was popular in high school. I didn't have to do that."  

Take 2

I haven't been feeling great lately about a lot of  life choices I have made in the past. I sometimes daydream about what my life would have been like if I took the chances that I wanted, but was too afraid. I think of the places I could have gone and things I could have seen. But I realized something this last Sunday, while having brunch with a dear friend. I hoped this wasn't the first time I had this thought, but I'm afraid that it is. You don't get a second chance to live a moment. No matter how insignificant or unimportant the moment, there are no do overs.

So as hard as it is, I have to stop beating myself up for things I have or haven't done. It is what it is! I need to move on! I need to get over it!

I can't actually relive those moments over again, and I have to stop thinking what could have been. Because this is what it is. I need to be braver! Nothing is forever! Being safe isn't always being better.

For the most part, I don't hate my life. I hate things I have done. I hate that I have under valued myself and allowed others to under value me. I hate that I didn't take charge of my life.

Well the buck stops here! I am stronger now that I have realized I can't go back, but I can change my future. It's going to tough, but I have to do it! I am 33 and I'm going to be something. It's not too late!

Happily Ever After

Last night I went to my friend, Chad's birthday dinner at Zocolos. We had a wonderful time and I made some new friends. I also got to eat some pig products. After Chad was done opening his gift, his boyfriend, Roy, pulled out a beautiful little white box. Then he got down on one knee next to Chad, his hand was just a shakin, and he popped the question. I'm not sure if it is legal for gays to get married, but thanks to President Obama, we are closer, if we can't already. I know I should know that, but I don't. I never do! 

When it comes to gay weddings, I have to say I am a little stumped. According to Miss Manners, you are suppose to congratulate the groom, and offer best wishes to the bride. So now I never know what to say.

Either way, I wish my friends all the love and joy they deserve! I love y'all! To both of you, congratulations and best wishes! 

Momma's Boy

So one thing that Corey and I having common, is that we are both very close to our moms. And the thing that our moms have in common is that they are mothers, first and foremost. If one of us falls, they wanna come kiss the booboo. But because we are grown men, we usually only call on them to kiss the ouchy when we really need it. Well I need it! Corey's mother is flying in today! As much as Corey is worth going through this, I am exhausted and so is he. We need the help.
That said, we are not only lucky to have each other but we are lucky to have our mothers in our lives. They have made us what we are today. Corey, an wonderful man that adopted the posture of his 95 year old grandmother, and I, a sassy black woman!
Deidre and Terry, all kidding aside, thank you for always being there! We love you!

Again, I am sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, Corey is not here and doped up!

OMG last night he called me to say good night, slurring his words, and then he texted me thinking he was texting his mom, and I was like Judy put down the phone!

The most efficient way!

So Corey had surgery again today. He has been having severe abdominal pain for the past couple of months. And he has seen specialist and done cat scans ultrasounds and so much more. And finally the decision was made for more surgery. When they went in they found that the scar tissue from the first surgery, last July, had grown more than they had expected. The adhesion had formed a bridge from the in cession to another part of the lower bowels, and this was causing the blockage. The surgeon cut that back and put a film over that to help the scaring to be minimal. So now he is doped up in his hospital bed at Sutter General. And I am home with our little Ellie trying to relax and set up the next couple of days. Corey is going to kill me when he reads this next part. Before I left, he was telling me about the pain and asking the same questions. He reminded me of his grandmother, asking the same questions over and over again, and he was so out of it, and yet so incredibly adorable! He was very polite slurring through his thanks to the doctors and Nurse Kate. Before he went in he kept on about how he missed Ellie Mae. I know I make fun of him, and make him the butt of jokes, but he is a great partner, and he makes what we have work. And I am sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, Corey is not home to prof my work!

What to do next?

Yesterday was a little bit of a depressing day for me. Which I usually try not to have. But the thought of ceasing to exist, with no after life, was weighing heavy on me, among other things.  When faced with the fact that this might be all there is, just this life and nothing else, I can’t help but think, why?

I am a 33 year old gay guy that has a BA in pastoral theology. And I am not sure that I believe in anything. I want to, because that thought that this is all there is, is depressing and awful, in my opinion.

I am a 33 year old hair stylist. I don’t make great money or even good money, and if it wasn’t for Corey, I would be nowhere. I have nothing to fall back on so I continue to make this work, even when it doesn’t. So I don’t have much to show for my professional life, no matter how hard I try.

I am a 33 year old gay man. I am balding, I have psoriasis and eczema, and a weight problem. My body, as much as I hate to say it, is thick. I will never be a thin guy no matter how much I try. My bone structure is broad, and my waist won’t go smaller than a size 36. And my feet are flat. I look like a Special Olympics contestant when I run. I struggle daily with hating my body and my face.

 I don’t make much of a contribution to the gay community, or any community for that matter.

I drink too much, I smoke too much, and I cuss too much. To be honest, without sounding suicidal, I’m not sure why I am here. I do nothing to better mankind.

I try not to compare myself to other people, because I realize that no matter what I am not them, nor will I ever be them. But I find myself up at 4:30 this cold December morning doing just that.

Last night I watched “Crazy, Stupid, Love” and the very attractive and wealthy Ryan Gosling plays a very attractive and well off guy that helps a guy find himself again. He is living the kind of life most gay men would love to live. He is not gay in the movie, I feel I should point that out. And now I can’t stop comparing myself to the character and Ryan. As I lay in bed trying not upset myself further, because lets face it, I am not him and I will never be him and I will never look like him and I will never have hair like him, I will never be thin or good looking like him and I will never have the kind of money that he has. Unless I win the lottery, or become famous.

There is one line in the movie that really stood out to me. After he helps Steve Carell change the way he looks, he is in bed with Emma Stone and they are talking about everything and kinda nothing, he says, “but I am wildly unhappy.” First of all, yes I know this is a fictional person I am comparing myself to, and I see how ridiculous that is, but think about it, who hasn’t compared themselves to a fictional person.  And it now dawns on me, I am not wildly unhappy. Most of the time. I have a job that I don’t make much at, but I love. I don’t have a perfect relationship with Corey, but we are better than we have ever been. And I love being with him, most of the time. And I love how we love our puppy, Ellie Mae. We are good to her, and we are lucky to have her.

I don’t make much of a contribution to any community, but not much is better than nothing at all.

I will probably never like the way that I look, in fact I hate the way I look and that I make even a cute outfit look bad. But that is something that I am going to have to get over. There is no chest reduction surgery, and even if there was, it’s not like I can afford it anyhow.  So I am eventually, hopefully soon, just going to have to except the fact that, my body is what it is. I am funny because I can’t be hot, and that’s fine.

I want more though. There has to be more, and I mean to life. Yes I would like to be insanely wealthy, and be able to have more and give more. But there has to be more to life than just living it. I wanna go somewhere, I wanna do something. But when you come from not much and you have even less, how do you get going? When you can barely keep your head a float, how do you go further? I don’t have the answers, but I am going to try not to give up along the way.

And if I decide to post this, please note, I am not fishing for compliments. This is just how I feel. The good, the bad, the fat, and the ugly. 

Rainbow Chamber Gay-La

Well, well ...I'm back (again!). Clearly, it's been a while considering I couldn't remember my password for 15 minutes. I know they removed part of my intestines during the first surgery, and I had a tube shoved up my nose and down my throat during my last hospitalization (and no, Roy had nothing to do with the obstruction), but it appears my memory is going as well. These...are the Gays of Our Lives.

The summer has come and gone, but now, there's something to look forward to tomorrow night...LaRoy and Don Geronimo are hosting the Rainbow Chamber of Commerce 2011 Installation Dinner (no, this doesn't involve power tools or leather) and 10th Anniversary Celebration. There's a live auction, silent auction and you know the guys will be sure to get a laugh or two ...or, perhaps, offend a person or two ...we'll see. There's still time to get tickets for the big night ...and yes, size does matter! Go to http://www.rcfdn.org/?page_id=246 for more information.

All right, I gotta go ...I'm mesmerized by Chaz Bono's body jiggling when he stops dancing, and what is with the tattoos? Just because you're now a dude doesn't mean you can become trashy. What would Cher say, or rather, sing? "If I could turn back time ..."