Yesterday was a little bit of a depressing day for me. Which I usually try not to have. But the thought of ceasing to exist, with no after life, was weighing heavy on me, among other things. When faced with the fact that this might be all there is, just this life and nothing else, I can’t help but think, why?
I am a 33 year old gay guy that has a BA in pastoral theology. And I am not sure that I believe in anything. I want to, because that thought that this is all there is, is depressing and awful, in my opinion.
I am a 33 year old hair stylist. I don’t make great money or even good money, and if it wasn’t for Corey, I would be nowhere. I have nothing to fall back on so I continue to make this work, even when it doesn’t. So I don’t have much to show for my professional life, no matter how hard I try.
I am a 33 year old gay man. I am balding, I have psoriasis and eczema, and a weight problem. My body, as much as I hate to say it, is thick. I will never be a thin guy no matter how much I try. My bone structure is broad, and my waist won’t go smaller than a size 36. And my feet are flat. I look like a Special Olympics contestant when I run. I struggle daily with hating my body and my face.
I don’t make much of a contribution to the gay community, or any community for that matter.
I drink too much, I smoke too much, and I cuss too much. To be honest, without sounding suicidal, I’m not sure why I am here. I do nothing to better mankind.
I try not to compare myself to other people, because I realize that no matter what I am not them, nor will I ever be them. But I find myself up at 4:30 this cold December morning doing just that.
Last night I watched “Crazy, Stupid, Love” and the very attractive and wealthy Ryan Gosling plays a very attractive and well off guy that helps a guy find himself again. He is living the kind of life most gay men would love to live. He is not gay in the movie, I feel I should point that out. And now I can’t stop comparing myself to the character and Ryan. As I lay in bed trying not upset myself further, because lets face it, I am not him and I will never be him and I will never look like him and I will never have hair like him, I will never be thin or good looking like him and I will never have the kind of money that he has. Unless I win the lottery, or become famous.
There is one line in the movie that really stood out to me. After he helps Steve Carell change the way he looks, he is in bed with Emma Stone and they are talking about everything and kinda nothing, he says, “but I am wildly unhappy.” First of all, yes I know this is a fictional person I am comparing myself to, and I see how ridiculous that is, but think about it, who hasn’t compared themselves to a fictional person. And it now dawns on me, I am not wildly unhappy. Most of the time. I have a job that I don’t make much at, but I love. I don’t have a perfect relationship with Corey, but we are better than we have ever been. And I love being with him, most of the time. And I love how we love our puppy, Ellie Mae. We are good to her, and we are lucky to have her.
I don’t make much of a contribution to any community, but not much is better than nothing at all.
I will probably never like the way that I look, in fact I hate the way I look and that I make even a cute outfit look bad. But that is something that I am going to have to get over. There is no chest reduction surgery, and even if there was, it’s not like I can afford it anyhow. So I am eventually, hopefully soon, just going to have to except the fact that, my body is what it is. I am funny because I can’t be hot, and that’s fine.
I want more though. There has to be more, and I mean to life. Yes I would like to be insanely wealthy, and be able to have more and give more. But there has to be more to life than just living it. I wanna go somewhere, I wanna do something. But when you come from not much and you have even less, how do you get going? When you can barely keep your head a float, how do you go further? I don’t have the answers, but I am going to try not to give up along the way.
And if I decide to post this, please note, I am not fishing for compliments. This is just how I feel. The good, the bad, the fat, and the ugly.
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